Heaven is where the police are British, the cooks are French, the
mechanics German, the lovers Italian and it's all organised by the
Swiss.
Hell is where the chefs are British, the mechanics French, the
lover's Swiss, the police German and it's all organised by the Italians.
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to appreciate
it.
-- Franklin P. Jones
Women's creed: Men are like linoleum. If you lay them right the first
time, you can walk on them for 20 years.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer sex raises
some pretty good questions.
-- Woody Allen
Based on what you know about him in history books, what do you think
Abraham Lincoln would be doing if he were alive today?
(1) Writing his memoirs of the Civil War.
(2) Advising the President.
(3) Desperately clawing at the inside of his coffin.
-- David Letterman
Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to hide the
bodies of those I had to kill because they pissed me off.
I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and
give the wrong answers.
All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should
have been more specific.
-- Jane Wagner
The hypothalamus is one of the most important parts of the brain,
involved in many kinds of motivation, among other functions. The
hypothalamus controls the "Four F's":
1. fighting; 2. fleeing; 3.feeding; and 4. mating.
-- Psychology professor in neuropsychology intro course
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
-- Oscar Wilde
What is a committee? A group of the unwilling, picked from the unfit,
to do the unnecessary.
-- Richard Harkness, The New York Times, 1960
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because
I hate plants.
-- A. Whitney Brown
There's an old story about the person who wished his computer were
as easy to use as his telephone. That wish has come true, since I no
longer know how to use my telephone.
-- Stroustrup
Experience is that marvellous thing that enables you recognise a mistake
when you make it again.
-- F. P. Jones
Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn
from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent
disinclination to do so.
-- Douglas Adams
"Life without you would be like a broken pencil." "How's that?"
"Completely pointless."
-- Blackadder, Series II
As your attorney, it is my duty to inform you that it is not important
that you understand what I'm doing or why you're paying me so much
money. What's important is that you continue to do so.
-- Hunter S. Thompson's Samoan Attorney
Life may have no meaning. Or even worse, it may have a meaning of which
I disapprove.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
Her kisses left something to be desired -- the rest of her.
To me, clowns aren't funny. In fact, they're kind of scary. I've
wondered where this started, and I think it goes back to the time I went
to the circus, and a clown killed my dad.
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who
makes people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe
diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to
calm myself down. I'll go over to the person's house and ring the
doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what
I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side
of its head with a note that says "You." After that, I usually
feel a lot better, and no harm done.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those really high
notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him
is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another
cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did."
One thing kids like is to be tricked. For instance, I was going to
take my little nephew to Disneyland, but instead I drove him to an old
burned-out warehouse. "Oh, no," I said, "Disneyland burned
down." He cried and cried, but I think deep down he thought it was
a pretty good joke. I started to drive over to the real Disneyland, but
it was getting pretty late.
When I was a kid, my favourite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school
we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in awhile he would eat one
of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a
bear.
In weightlifting, I don't think sudden, uncontrolled urination should
automatically disqualify you.
When the age of the Vikings came to a close, they must have sensed
it. Probably, they gathered together one evening, slapped each other on
the back and said, "Hey, good job."
Here's a good joke to do during an earthquake: straddle a big crack
in the ground, and if it opens wider, go "Whoa! Whoa!" and flail
your arms around, like you're going to fall in.
If God dwells inside us, like some people say, I sure hope He like
enchiladas, because that's what He's getting!
A good way to threaten somebody is to light a stick of dynamite. Then
you call the guy and hold the burning fuse up to the phone. "Hear
that?" you say. "That's dynamite, baby."
I saw on this nature show how the male elk douses himself with urine
to smell sweeter to the opposite sex. What a coincidence!
One Man's Sunset is another Man's Dawn. -- Fievel Mouskawitz
"Sure, everyone always said 'Socrates what is the meaning of life?' or
'Socrates how can I find happiness?', did anyone ever say 'Socrates
hemlock is poison.'???????"
-Socrates minutes before death
Sure God created man before woman.. but then you always make a rough
draft before The Final Masterpiece.
Christian: One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely
inspired book that is admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his
neighbour.
Although they have tried to cover up the fact that mad cow disease
exists the government has finally given up to public pressure demanding
they reveal the truth, however they are still insisting that this fatal
infection is no worse than a broken leg. No worse than a broken leg?
I once had a broken leg and it hurt like fuck!!!!
In the beginning the Universe was created... This made a lot of people
angry and was widely regarded as a bad move.
-- Douglas Adams, The Restaurant at the End of the Universe
Definition of Stress: The confusion created when one's mind overrides
the body's desire to beat or choke the living shit out of some asshole
who desperately needs it.
The art of flying is to throw yourself at the ground and miss.
-- Douglas Adams
"Television - a medium. So called because it is neither rare nor
well-done."
-- Ernie Kovacs
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got
it made.
Life is a shit sandwich & everyday you take another bite.
Life is like a shit sandwich.
The more bread you have, the less shit you have to eat.
The only difference between graffiti & philosophy is the word fuck...
He is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death.
Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
"From what we get, we can make a living; what we give, however, makes a
life."
-- Arthur Ashe
A bird in the hand will probably shit on your wrist.
"Imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality."
-- Jules de Gaultier
"Life is something that happens when you can't get to sleep."
-- Fran Lebowitz
"The optimist proclaims that we live in the best of all possible worlds;
and the pessimist fears this is true."
-- Irving Caesar
"Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we
didn't."
-- Erica Jong
"The direct use of force is such a poor solution to any problem, it is
generally employed only by small children and large nations."
-- David Friedman
"He who hesitates is not only lost, but miles from the next exit."
-- Unknown
"Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain."
-- Lily Tomlin
"Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving
birth to a child. She must be found and stopped."
-- Sam Levenson (1911-1980)
"Start every day off with a smile and get it over with."
-- W. C. Fields (1880-1946)
"Too bad the only people who know how to run the country are busy
driving cabs and cutting hair."
-- George Burns
"Doing a thing well is often a waste of time."
-- Robert Byrne
"Democracy is a device that insures we shall be governed no better than
we deserve."
-- George Bernard Shaw
"I either want less corruption, or more chance to participate in it."
-- Ashleigh Brilliant
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never
worshipped anything but himself."
-- Sir Richard F. Burton
"'Tis better to be silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and
remove all doubt."
-- Mark Twain
"I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the
truth even if it costs them their jobs."
-- Samuel Goldwyn
"Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up
the pillow was gone."
-- Tommy Cooper
"Life is a moderately good play with a badly written third act."
-- Truman Capote
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new
discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I found it!) but 'That's funny ...'"
-- Isaac Asimov
"Living in a vacuum sucks."
-- Adrienne E. Gusoff
"An intellectual snob is someone who can listen to the William Tell
Overture and not think of The Lone Ranger."
-- Dan Rather
"Crime does not pay... as well as politics."
-- Alfred E. Newman
"Why is it that our memory is good enough to retain the least triviality
that happens to us, and yet not good enough to recollect how often we
have told it to the same person?"
-- La Rochefoucauld
"A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is
shining, but wants it back the minute it begins to rain."
-- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
"A synonym is a word you use when you can't spell the word you first
thought of."
-- Burt Bacharach
"Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed."
-- Jonathan Swift
"When people are free to do as they please, they usually imitate each
other."
-- Eric Hoffer
"A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you
don't need it."
-- Bob Hope
"All animals are equal but some animals are more equal than others."
-- George Orwell, Animal Farm
"It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win
or lose."
-- Darrin Weinberg
Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
--Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
-- His reply
Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!"
Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I
shall be sober."
"I know Kung Fu, Karate, and 47 other dangerous words."
-- Jo Ramos
Love is like Pi: natural, irrational, and very important.
-- Lisa Hoffman
What we call human nature, is actually human habit.
-- Jewel
When I was fourteen years old, I was amazed at how unintelligent my
father was. By the time I turned twenty-one, I was astounded how much
he had learned in the last seven years.
-- Mark Twain
I will endure all this subhuman driveling shit with a smile
Don't think of it as being outnumbered, think of it as a wide target
selection.
There are two essential basic strategies for success in business:
1. Never reveal all you know
Anyalyzing humour is like dissecting a frog: nobody enjoys it, and the
frog usually dies as a result.
A woman may very well form a friendship with a man, but for this to
endure, it must be assisted by a little physical antipathy. -- Nietzsche
I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god
than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible
gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours.
--Stephen F Roberts
A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have
nothing to do with tires.
Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.
I'm sorry, you seem to have mistaken me for someone who cares.
Some of the greatest writers this world has ever known have written
their finest works while happily and blissfully drunk...and so shall I.
I had a lovely evening. Unfortunately, this wasn't it.
-- Groucho Marx
One of the major functions of skin is to keep people who look at you
from throwing up. -- Actual exam answer
We the unwilling
working for the ungrateful
are doing the impossible.
We have done so much,
for so long,
with so little,
we are now qualified to
do anything with nothing.
It is better to have loved and lost, than never to have loved at all.
-- Alfred, Lord Tennyson
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with
the rain.
-- Dolly Parton
I think there is a world market for maybe 5 computers.
-- Thomas Watson, IBM boss, 1943
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
-- Bill Gates, Microsoft boss, 1981
You don't have to agree with me, but its quicker.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
-- Shawshank Redemption
You spend your whole life believing that you're on the right track,
only to discover that you're on the wrong train.
I know they say love is blind, but does it also have to be deaf, dumb,
and stupid?
Maturity is knowing when and where to be immature.
Things you'll never hear a man say
Here honey, you use the remote.
You know, I'd like to see her again, but her breasts are just too big.
While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
Sex isn't that important; sometimes, I just like to be held.
We never talk anymore.
Things you'll never hear a woman say
Ohh, this diamond is way too big!
And for our honeymoon we're going fishing in Alaska!
Can our relationship get a little more physical? I'm tired of being
"just friends".
Aww, don't stop for directions, I'm sure you'll be able to figure out
how to get there.
I don't care if it is on sale, 300 dollars is too much for a designer
dress.
Things written above a Urinal
Why are you reading this? The joke is in your hand.
We don't sell our beer, we just rent it.
Any arsehole can piss on the floor. Be a hero and shit on the ceiling!
The future is in your hands!
Some come here to sit and think.
Some come here to shit and sink.
But I come here to scratch my balls
And read the bullshit on the walls.
Now here I sit, broken hearted,
Paid my dime and only farted.
Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to ponder
I come here to shit and stink and
Fart like fucking thunder
Scrawled in BIG ANGRY **RED** letters:
"I FUCKED your mother!!!"
neatly printed in small calm blue letters:
"Go home dad, you're drunk."
Here I sit broken-hearted,
tried to shit but only farted
Later on I took a chance,
tried to fart and shit my pants!!!
Here I sit
And contemplate.
Should I shit
Or masturbate?
Here I sit down, broken-hearted
Trying to push a yet unstarted
Poem into bright creation -
Oh, the pains of constipation!
Hours have passed, I've merely parted
Rump cheeks and effetely farted
Those weak blasts of wind excluded
Nothing concrete has extruded!
Other assholes far more shitten
In their time have poems written
Am I such a fucked up nerd
That can't shit a single turd?
Here I sit, I'm at a loss
trying to shit out taco sauce.
When it comes, I hope and pray,
I don't blow my ass away.
Sign in the toilet said "Please use the ashtray".
Guess what was in the ashtray?
here I sit in splendid bliss
listening to the dribling piss
suddenly a fart is heard
followed by a rumbling turd
Written at the very bottom of a bathroom door in very small printing...
I had to lean WAY forward to read it...
It said: "You are now shitting at a 45 degree angle!"
On a condom vending machine: "This gum tastes like fucking rubber!"
This toilet paper is like John Wayne: it's tough, it's rough... and it
doesn't take shit from anyone.
Do not throw cigarat buts in this urinal: it makes them soggy and hard
to light.
Not now, Scotty, I'm having a shi...
Here I sit in smelly vapor
I just ran out of toilet paper
I will not wait, I will not linger
Oh, what the fuck, I'll use my finger.
Answering machine messages
Hi, you've reached __'s answering machine. ___ isn't home right now,
but whatever you have to say to him, you can tell me. We're VERY close
and we tell each other everything.
(woman taped off a "phone sex" service) WOMAN : (seductively) Hi. I'm
Linda. You know, it can be really lonely when you're a fashion model.
Sometimes I just have to ... YOU : (interrupting) Oh c'mon, Linda, give
me the damn phone... (then ask for a message)
You have reached the number which you have dialled.
I can't come to the phone now, so if, well, actually, I CAN come to the
phone now, I mean, like, I'm at the phone NOW, recording this message,
but I'm doing this NOW, while you're listening to it LATER, except for
you I guess it's NOW, like, when you're listening to it... I mean,
like, wait, gosh. This is so confusing.
Hi, this is you know who and I'm not you know where, so please leave a
message after you know what.
You've reached the home of the greatest psychic on earth. Since I
already know who you are and why you've called, please hang up after
the beep tone.
Hi, you know the drill.
Hello? (short pause) Hellooo? (Waits again) Helloooo - Who is this?
(After a final short pause) Well, whatever, I'm not home anyways, so
please leave a message after the beep.
Ring...click....(sound of loud music in background)...Hello? - just a
second while I turn the stereo off (sound of person running to click
off music, which gets quiet. sound of person running back to phone) OK,
sorry about that, hi there, who's this...well hi!... uh huh...yeah...
(wait for a few seconds so the person calling will keep talking) well
listen you're talking to a machine, so please leave a message and I'll
call you back.
"Speak, worm!" (beep) Works best if done in a Darth Vader voice.
Just put on a recording of a busy signal.
The number you have dialled, 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 is no longer in service, the
new number is 1-2-3-4-5-6-7 (exact same number). -- try getting some
voice synth software, that way, it sounds even more like
the phone company.
Bumper Stickers
Don't play stupid with me... I'm better at it!
Ass, gas or grass, nobody rides for free.
This car is designed by computer, built by a robot, driven by a moron.
Welcome to America, now fuck off!
Seen on the back of a Rolls Royce...
FUCK the Poor!
This truck has been in 15 accidents...
and hasn't lost one yet...
I FUCK GAYS, WITH MY .357
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you.
The less hair I have, the more head I get.
Due to budget cuts, light at end of tunnel will be out.
If you can read this bumper sticker you are driving too close.
and the answer is
If your bumper sticker wasn't so damned small I wouldn't have to drive
so close to read it!
Why can't I be rich instead of well hung...
I love uranus.
This car is constipated: hasn't passed a thing all day!
Humpty-Dumpty was pushed!
Faster than a speeding ticket
Save a mouse -- eat a pussy.
I (club) my wife.
Orgasm Donor.
If your not a haemaroid... GET OFF MY ARSE!!!
I brake for no apparent reason.
Yes, As A Matter Of Fact, I Do Own The Whole Damn Road!
Help wanted... many positions available. (and showed different sex
positions)
Insured by Smith and Wesson.
Don't eat yellow snow.
Dont Follow me or you'll end up at my place.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I want to stick
My penis in you
